Bingo.

4 mistakes:

1. Kayyy Babyyyhttp://maddie17-booklover.blogspot.com/ -- He says whatever comes to mind, saying that his parents "would have about two hemorrhages apiece if I told anything pretty personal about them," shows that he doesn't really care what he says, just wants to get his point across. 
Mistake- She uses he says and that's a common weakness. 

2. Peanut butter without the Jelly http://addie-line.blogspot.com/ --  "Towering volumes of marble and glass" is what he saw as the lobby, which creates a clear, yet abstract vision.
Mistake- Starts a sentence with a quote.

3.They call me fresh money   Baker describes as the escalator as "They were the free standing kind: a pair of integral signs swooping upward between the two floors they served without struts or piers to bear any intermediate weight" and  he tells us that "On sunny days like this one, a temporary, steeper escalator of daylight, formed by intersections of the lobby's towering volumes of marble and glass, met the real escalators just above their middle point, spreading into a needly area of shine where it fell against their brushed-steel side-pannels, and adding long glossy highlights to each of the black rubber handrails"
Mistake- Wayyyyyyy to long of quotes...shorten them up alotttttt.

4.  Eddie The exert The Mezzanine by Nicholson Baker uses high language as he decribes the lobby and escalators as, "area of shine where it fell against their brushed steel side panels."
Mistake- Uses the word uses...bad verb.

Favorite one-

1.  J. D. Salinger's coarse and personal language in Catcher in the Rye creates an informal characterization of the narrator and his circumstances that is easy to relate to. The uncensored and colloquial words used in this excerpt are blunt and common in elevation. The narrator references David Copperfield by stating that his childhood was full of that "kind of crap," which underscores the idea that the narrator himself is part of the hoi polloi. The language most often has a negative connotation, including a phrase the describes certain characters as, "touchy as hell." The narrator's tone is resentful toward his own circumstances, of which he obviously has poor impressions. The language lacks any sort of mellifluous musicality, the sounds are dull and discordant. They too convey the narrator's "crumby" perspective on others' lives and successes.